If you’re feeling like the marriage isn’t working any longer, here are the signs that may indicate you should consider a divorce.
- Do you often think that you’d rather spend time with anyone else other than your partner?
- Do you do things to try and avoid being alone together?
- Does the thought of being intimate with your partner make you feel uncomfortable?
- When you are intimate, are you only doing it out of obligation or to keep the peace?
- Do you fantasise about what life would be like if your partner wasn’t in it?
- Do you wish you’d married someone else or are excited about the prospects of meeting someone else in the future?
- Is your partner unwilling to engage in therapy or some other type of intervention?
- Is your partner steadfast in what they think and are unable or unwilling to take on new ideas that potentially could save things?
- Are they steadfastly sticking to their thinking (ie I don’t want to talk about it because I’m right? You can talk all you like but I don’t see any point in talking about it?)
All of these indicators would point to the fact that a divorce may be where your marriage is heading. Clearly both your partner, and the marriage itself, are no longer giving you joy, comfort and any sort of enrichment. If this is the case, it’s normal to think that at this point in the proceedings, a divorce is the most likely option for you.
These are signs that a divorce is going to be the best option, but are these actual signs that say you should get a divorce, or are they something else?
It’s natural for you to think that these are true signs. But from a therapist’s perspective, these signs may also say many other things. Some of them suggest divorce, yes, but others suggest something else, for example:
- An inability for each person to say what really frightens him or her
- An inability to feel vulnerable and to say, “I’m OK with feeling this way”
- To be able to say that I feel exposed and although I’m afraid of that, I know you have my best interests at heart and I’ll be OK
We are born with a natural inbuilt mechanism and need, to protect ourselves; evolution has provided us with this and that’s great. But in modern times, there is a need to override this function and to put our need for protection aside. We live in a modern world, that is mostly safe, and we feel largely OK… we just need our brains to keep up.
So, do you need a divorce even though many indicators would suggest that you do, or do you need to look at things differently?